Whilst Premier League-winner and Champions League-quarter-finalist, Danny Drinkwater, invites Theo Walcott – the forward with more goals than anyone else in Gareth Southgate’s England squad – around for dinner on Wednesday and Sunday, talk turns to who the blandest man in football should play against Lithuania.
Firstly, though, the Three Lions have a pointless friendly against Germany, in which Southgate will pretend it’s a great time to try out a few things, for him to learn about his squad and, to fully complete cliché bingo, he’ll say Jermain Defoe’s inevitable brace has given him “food for thought”.
But when it comes to the actual important game, here’s the XI Southgate should play against Lithuania if he wants to provoke any kind of interest from the fans!
GK – Joe Hart
Can we make sure all moves go through Hart on Sunday; no less than 100% passing accuracy and three assists. Just to wind up Pep even more. Image Source: Twitter
RB – Kyle Walker
Road Runner himself. Image Source: Twitter
CB – Eric Dier
Lost his place in the middle of the park for Spurs, however, been more than accomplished when covering for the injured Vertonghen or Alderweireld. Image Source: Twitter
CB – John Stones
England aren't ever going to do anything of note on the international stage. Therefore, we may as well have a bit of fun whilst we're there. The City defender at the heart of the defence should be amusing. Image Source: Twitter
LB – Luke Shaw
Man of the Match incoming. Followed by a Mourinho meltdown. Image Source: Twitter
CM – Adam Lallana
Probably England's best footballer, at the moment. Image Source: Twitter
CM – Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain
The only positive Arsenal have had for a couple of months. Image Source: Twitter
CAM – Dele Alli
Hopefully the Three Lions don't find a way to ruin the Spurs hothead. Image Source: Twitter
LW – Nathan Redmond
Should've gone to Euro 2016. Image Source: Twitter
RW – Raheem Sterling
Should've been Michail Antonio. But the Hammers man has pulled out. But Manchester City's Player of the Season isn't a bad back-up option. Image Source: Twitter
ST – Marcus Rashford
Excited to see what the United striker can do away from his abusive step dad, Mourinho. Image Source: Twitter
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The defence has no protection. But Lithuania has no attack – or midfield or defence – so no issues there.
If we don’t get the swashbuckling, expansive and exciting football a lot of these Mauricio Pochettino, Pep Guardiola and Arsene Wenger students deliver on a weekly basis for their respective clubs, then, well, you would’ve just watched another standard England game.