Life as Sunderland Manager a ‘Daily Slap in the Face’ claims Moyes

Ryan Ashenhurst

Sunderland Manager David Moyes says that his comments towards BBC Reporter Vicki Sparks are nothing compared to ‘the daily slap in the face’ that is life as manager of the worst club in the Premier league.

Moyes was thrown into the deep-end by his own gob in a heated exchange in which he told Sparks that she might get a slap if she continued to ask football-related questions. Moyes glared longingly at the reporter before the remark, and onlookers claimed he resembled the insomnia-suffering ghost of a deflated bagpipe.

SEE ALSO: I know what you did last summer but what about this one?

Since the incident, Sunderland have backed their manager on his micro-aggressions, but were sure to check the reporter’s age before sticking by their man. Sunderland’s fourth assistant coach, Steven Naewayman, described the atmosphere around the training sessions now that this public mess has blown over.

“Aye, Moyes is back tae his best, we have at least ten generic excuses lined up for tae next post-match interview. The lads are training overtime for the game at Old Trafford, if we can concede two or less and Moyes doesn’t transform into a weathered sock of threatening defeatism in the post-match, we can leave with our heads held high.

– Steven Naewayman

More Non-news from the Premier League:

ArsenalFanTV to be Sponsored by GiveBloodNHS Campaign

It has emerged that ArsenalFanTV will be sponsored by the NHS’ Give Blood campaign in a bid to promote the worthy cause. Doctor Atrick came up with the idea, and explains the move here:

“Giving blood is a selfless task, and raising awareness is paramount to keeping our reserves in order. ArsenalFanTV have been baying for blood for months, and namedrop the word subconsciously at the end of 50% of their sentences. Normally you have to pay a company or organisation money every time they use a word associated with your campaign, but blood is mentioned so often, in such a natural manner that we’ve been able to run the campaign on the cheap. We’re also trying to initiate the idea that families should come to donate blood together, this again holds advantages with ArsenalFanTV.”

– Doctor Atrik

 ArsenalFanTV regular Troopz was pivotal in realising the partnership, and it’s pretty clear why.

“Giving blood is important blud. You should start going with your family fam.”

– Troopz

Troopz’ blood was tested to herald the start of the campaign and in a tragic twist of irony, it emerged that he has the B-positive blood type, something the Arsenal fan rarely indulges in.

Burnley vs Stoke “Gruffest” match in PL History

For seventy-eight weeks in a row, Sean Dyche has refused to consume a lozenge. Mark Hughes spends most of his time these days looking on coldly from the sidelines, like a Northern Lord watching his kin fall into oblivion at the Red Wedding.

A George Boyd goal separated the sides this week, but the battle on the pitch is now the benchmark for the gruffest match ever played in the Premier League according to experts. Dave Cactus, who works at the Institute of Football Facts said,

“Gruffness was off the scale. So many gruff variables. Erik Pieters’ hair gel slipping and sliding down his entire kit, Joe Allen looking like the reanimated corpse of a Black Sabbath groupie, it was a proper, no bullshit scrap that those London lordlings might have turned away at. The reason Turf Moor is such a fortress this season is because the team are scary, but Stoke’s hygienic rejection really upped the gruffness factor.”

– Dave Cactus


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