Washed-up golfer, practiced fabulist, and all-around dickhead, Robert Allenby has vowed that, although he’s wanted to quit the game “a thousand times” since his disputed mugging/kidnapping in Hawaii two years ago, he’s going to fight on.
A pronoun-switching Allenby outlined his self-talk to The Daily Telegraph:
‘You know what, screw this, you have to forget about everything and push forward. I haven’t killed anyone, I haven’t taken drugs — apart from being drugged. I really haven’t done a lot wrong. We are all humans and humans make mistakes.’”
Apart from being drugged!
Reptilian in both appearance and demeanor, Allenby’s penchant for “using the media to make himself look like the victim,” in the words of his former caddie, was on full display in his latest chat with the scribes he so despises ahead of the NSW Open.
The “Hawaii thing took a big toll on my life,” he told reporters.
Now, depending on who you believe: the “Hawaii thing” is either: Allenby getting plastered, falling on his face, and getting robbed or a multi-part tale of intrigue involving spiked drinks, kidnapping, and a harrowing ride in the boot of a car. (Note: The Honolulu police chose column A)
More from the hair-gel aficionado on the aftermath of the ordeal:
“It made it that I didn’t want to be out on the golf course, I didn’t want to be seen in public. It really became a very stressful thing.
“That’s when the reality of quitting was really high on the list. It’s only through my wife Kym and my family that pulled me back. Otherwise I would have gone a year ago, no question. I would have found my own little hole and stayed in it for the rest of my life.”
Those murmurings you hear: Golf fans around the world wondering aloud why couldn’t he have found a hole and stayed in it. But alas, finding holes isn’t really Robert’s thing. At least not on the PGA Tour, where he’s missed 25 cuts in the last two years.
And of course, Allenby couldn’t pass up the opportunity to use his pulpit absolve himself of responsibility for his August disorderly conduct arrest outside an Illinois casino. “That got dropped straight away,” he said. “That was just a load of bullsh*t.”
Perhaps Bobby’s had another bump on the head that left him confused about which story was “a load of bullsh*t.”
Never change, Robert. Never change.