Tales of drunken madness from the Waste Management Phoenix Open

The greatest stories from the Waste Management Phoenix Open surely never find their way to the internet. Still, Boredom’s scanning the interwebz for a few tales from golf’s home for glorious, forget-you-name-style imbibing.

The only PGA Tour event where you can go skiing (wink, wink, nudge, nudge), the Managing Your Wastedness Open is an institution unto itself.

Source: Cheryl Evans, Arizona Republic/USA TODAY Sports
Source: Cheryl Evans, Arizona Republic/USA TODAY Sports

Golf Digest’s Brian Wacker (great name) was on the ground at the WMPO and he relayed a few beer-soaked morsels. Here’s a selection.

“Speaking of the porta pottys, more than one officer also confirms the biggest complaint from fans is people having sex in them. Later, I overhear this very complaint from a woman to a friend after returning to her seat.”

Good. I’d be disappointed if they weren’t being used for that purpose. However, this begs the question. How did you know people were screwing in the green phone booths of stink? Were doors opened? Sounds? Potty a’ rockin’?

“The most popular items? Foam curly fries from Andrew “Beef” Johnston and actual cans of Guinness from Shane Lowry”

Beef not throwing actual Arby’s sandwiches is a big L. However, Lowry firing Guinness into the stands is an epic W. Takes a dump on Ben Crane’s family friendly frisbees.

And speaking of taking a dump. I’ll present this glorious item without comment. #Coachella

“It takes not much longer to confirm through a police officer…[said] that last year one female had passed out from intoxication near a porta potty having defecated on herself. That was the least of her problems as she had a certain white, powdery substance around her nose that is illegal in all 50 states.”

Also, this.

“Blink 182 front man Mark Hoppus, taking a break between songs at the Bird’s Nest nightclub and post-round party place just outside the course, to announce that he had come up with a golf joke and stating, “Tonight I brought two condoms, in case I get a hole in one.” (per Dan Kilbridge, Golfweek)

Dude. That’s not a joke. That’s has just Mark Hoppus’ plan of attack every night of his life since 1992.

And of course, not an anecdote, but this is the left-leaning essence of the Waste Management Phoenix Open as quasi-Coachella, rather than golf event.

Hundreds of thousands of “golf fans,” many well-lubricated and many having dipped into HST’s suitcase from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, trying to walk the line in said condition. Not gonna happen. The Tour would do well to embrace it, because #growthegame, but you know the old white boys in Ponta Vedra Beach breathe a sigh of relief every year when the tournament passes without a Caligulan orgy.

18 pics of famous golfers getting absolutely wrecked

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