The 5-a-side football group chat, everyone involved has experienced the wannabe manager, the late-shower, the guy with all the gear, the semi-pro boaster, and the guy who pretends to miss the messages before the game.
Look familiar at all? You may see your mates in this post, the Stodgy Steves of the world are real, that knee-brace belongs on a highly attuned athlete, not a podgy poser. Sort it out, son.
At least he has a go, though, how many Petes are out there? Messages about final touches to a formation or strategy from the wannabe manager are lost on him, although the messages are constantly seen, Pete will read everything, and then emulate shock at the foot of the group chat, silencing the team until next week’s plans, in which he will repeat his offence again.
Dans are everywhere, they tell you about that time they were scouted by Barnsley and could have signed a professional contract, but that sales assistant job they took at Boots was far more prospective. They see themselves as the game-changer in 5-a-side, and fantasise about Alan Shearer analysing them later on MOTD, doing that serious glare face that scares Gary Lineker into agreeing with him.
Jermaine Jenas is also on hand to top up your prospects with a few crude circles drawn onto your positioning on that iPad they use to dissect performances. But then Dan wakes up, remembering that he’s on the till at Boots in an hour, flogging Listerine and Vagisil.
The Ians of the 5-a-side world assure you that they’ll be on time, but they never are. Somehow, they are late, and then complain about not being able to jump straight into it. The guy who has poor time keeping annoyingly has the most skill, which frustrates you week in week out.
The Adams bind the experience together, a media grad who believes the blog about your 5-a-side will be picked up by The Mirror soon. He tells you where you’re playing, and will reject any input on the game that comes from beyond his own consciousness. The Adams can be stubborn, but are one of the bigger variables in organising the side and pestering you to turn up on time. They also have a habit of turning up with a Ford Focus full of strangers, and are already planning ahead to your 5-A-Side team starting their own academy for hot prospects.