Weighing it up: Footballer’s worth in the form of hard drugs

Ben Mountain

There are two outrageously expensive things in life. The first of these is footballers; the second is drugs. Imagine combining the two together, then.

You normally end up with a tabloid frenzy and serious legal action but we’re not that boring over here at CLICKON, so we’ve found a much better way of doing it.

Just how much could you spend on drugs in place of a footballer? We’ve done the math and worked it out for you. Pablo would be proud.

Neymar = 19.8 tonnes of weed 

That’s staggering. That’s the weight of over ten cars just in marijuana. And you think the dodgy bloke on your street corner is a king pin.

Ousmane Dembélé = 2.43 tonnes of MDMA powder

For that sort of move, Dembélé won’t need anything else to send him into a happy, delirious state of disillusionment. But we’re sure nearly two and a half tonnes of MD would do the job if he did. 

Paul Pogba = 2100kg of cocaine

Wow, it looks like the United board really did waste their money. Though, having said that, they’d probably all been on the sniff before making the signing. Something has to explain it.

Gareth Bale = 8,600,000 bags of heroin

What makes this even worse is that the Welshman would be worth way more if he were sold today. And the fact that eight and a half million bags of heroin could be bought for the price of one footballer. It sort of makes the whole football market sound a bit perverse and evil when it’s put that way. Sorry about that.

Cristiano Ronaldo = 8,000,000 Ecstasy pills

Another lad who’d be worth far more if sold in today’s market. Ronaldo thinks he’s King of the World sober though, so probably best not to mention this one to him. Another perverse statistic for you; that’s over 16 pills for every ecstasy user in the UK. Or 8,000,000 serious overdoses.

Gonzalo Higuaín = 376,500g of crystal meth

Now we’re getting really dark. It’s just as well Higuaín never fell into the hands of a certain Walter White.

Romelu Lukaku = 3 tonnes of ketamine 

So, that was a bit weird, wasn’t it?

Looking at that sent us into a strange sort of trip ourselves as if the bizarre combination of a footballer’s worth and their back-street value wasn’t an odd enough investigation as it was.

But snap back to your normal self again. It’s time for the post-article come down. Good luck and try not to dwell on that for too long. We don’t want you getting any ideas.

Or, in fact, wildly depressed thinking of all that money being splashed on seven blokes. No wonder there’s such a market for the narcotics.

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