Who do those Olympic games think they are? Coming round here every four years with their fancy-ass events like running on a track. Running! On a track! How very sophisticated. How very la-di-da. Those snobs clearly have never experienced the real summer games – the Redneck Games.
Oh yes, the Redneck Games was very much the alternative Olympics. When the Olympic circus came to Atlanta in 1996, down the road in Dublin you would find the Redneck Games. When elite athletes from around the world were competing for gold medals in Atlanta, local hicks were competing for half-crushed empty mounted beer cans in Dublin. Because at the Redneck Games, it wasn’t about the prestige of winning. It wasn’t even about the taking part. And it certainly wasn’t about inclusivity, unless you think wearing a Confederate flag is inclusive.
It was about playing some “sports”, chewing some tobacco, and drinking cans of Blue Ribbon beer all day long. Just make sure the closing ceremony is finished before the NASCAR starts though, yeah?
And so, let us light the torch of the Redneck Games (some beer cans strung together that have been set alight with a flamethrower) and proudly open this reassessment of the events that made up this terrifying sporting spectacle.
Bobbing For Pig’s Trotters
Bobbing for apples. We all know this classic, where people try to get apples out of the water using only their face. The person with the most apples (or the one who doesn’t drown) wins. Simple. But in Redneck Games world, apples are far too highfalutin. No, let’s use the feet of pigs instead. Watch in amazement/abject horror, as faces emerge from the water with a pig’s trotter dangling out of their mouth. If you weren’t vegetarian before this event, you’d be seriously considering making such a lifestyle choice after it.
The Armpit Serenade
Talent comes in many forms and in many disciplines. You may not be talented in physical activities, like sports. But you might be a talented musician, or artist, or actor, or… armpit player. This isn’t something you can just pick up, you can’t teach armpit serenading. It’s a skill that you’re born with. And only the best armpit players would come to the Redneck Games in a glorious cacophony of fart noises. It was an event that was said to have made grown-men weep at the beauty of it all.
Tossin’ Toilet Seats
Throwing things is a staple element of Olympic competition. From javelins to hammers, throwing a heavy object across a long distance is an astounding feat of strength and power. It’s a primal thing, something you can probably trace back to our early Neanderthal days.
But you can be sure of one thing, our early ancestors were not throwing toilet seats in competition. But at the Redneck Games, they are. And every summer, someone, somewhere in Georgia, would’ve popped into their bathroom, and they would be cursing those goddamn rednecks for stealing their toilet seat again.
Big Hair Contest
As you may have gathered, many of the events at the Redneck Games are pretty self-explanatory. They do exactly what they say on the tin. But the Big Hair Contest is different. It’s actually a decathlon made up of the most physically demanding events known to man, and all the competitors have big hair.
Actually that’s a lie. This is also an event that’s blatantly self-explanatory, as mulleted and permed rednecks are judged by their skill and ability in avoiding having a haircut.
Bug Zapping By Spitball
No, we’re not doing this one. It’s too gross. Nope. Nope Nope.
Mud Pit Belly Flop
Like every great sporting event, there needs to be a showpiece. An event, or moment, which stands out like no other. Something that makes the entire world stop what they’re doing, hold their collective breath, and watch in amazement. The 100m Olympic Final. The World Cup Final. The Superbowl. The Mud Pit Belly Flop.
Sure, the Mud Pit Belly Flop may not have the pomp and circumstance of those other big events. And it may not have a global audience of billions watching it. But what it has is a pit. A pit filled with mud. And it has rednecks. Rednecks willing to throw themselves into said mud pit, belly first. This is the epitome of what the Redneck Games is all about: drunk idiots in Confederate flag underwear leaping into mud pits. They don’t do it for love, or fame, or money. They do it because they’re rednecks. And they’re drunk.
That was the Redneck Games. Y’all come back now, y’hear?*
*You can’t actually come back. The Redneck Games closed forever in 2013 due to lack of attendance. YEE-HAW!