Play The Game: Premier League Monopoly

Joel Harvey

Monopoly – capitalism’s most-loved board game. Roll the dice, move the little dog around the board, buy entire communities and bankrupt all your friends. It’s quite an insidious little game when you think about it, isn’t it?

We’ve seen many spin-offs of Monopoly over the years: Star Wars Monopoly, Love Actually Monopoly, Howard The Duck Monopoly; you know, all the classics. But what if we took Premier League clubs and put them on a Monopoly board? Who would go where? It’s a crazy concept, but it might just work.

And remember, every time you pass Sky Go, you get £200-million. Ker-ching!

Old Kent Road – Huddersfield Town

If we were going on money, purely on money, Huddersfield would be the first on the board. With a wage bill last season that was on a par with Rotherham United, they’re probably lucky to even be Old Kent Road. But for them, this works in their favour; they’re able to work as a cohesive unit without any large pay-packets each month. You might land on Huddersfield and think: “Ha. This won’t break the bank” but along comes David Wagner with fifty hidden hotels and he fleeces you for all your worth.

Euston Road – Bournemouth

Established in the Premier League and sitting slightly above the bread-line, we have Bournemouth. They’ve been around the board a few times now, which means they’ve secured themselves a nice spot. But they should always be looking over their shoulder, because they can be heavily reliant on playing the Chance cards. And soon, their luck might start to run out.

Pall Mall – West Ham

Things should be better if you’re Pall Mall. Look over the opposite of you, there’s Mayfair lording it up. And here you are, sitting next to the jail. How did this all happen? You’re Pall Mall, you have prestige and history. You have plenty of support too. You should be in Mayfair’s position. And maybe one day, you will be. But for now, you must live your life at the lower end of the board. And stop moaning about it, at least you’re on the board.

Vine Street – Southampton

Like Vine Street, you always forget about Southampton. They’re hardly the biggest of areas on the board, but they’re not the smallest either. They’re just always there. And providing you don’t build lots of young hotels on Vine Street and sell them off too quickly, they should always have a place in Premier League Monopoly.

Trafalgar Square/Leicester Square – Spurs/Arsenal

The two squares, sitting side by side, forever squabbling with each other at the top of the board (the north of the board, if you will). Neither ever make it all the way round to the hoi polloi of the blue squares, but they yearn for it; they want it so bad. But it’s always just tantalisingly out of reach for them, maybe next year? Yes, maybe next year. It’s always next year.

Bond Street – Manchester United

Oooh, we’re up with the big boys now. They used to be one of the big boys too, but a few slip-ups meant they dropped down to the green part of the board. But Bond Street is biding its time. Bond Street is waiting patiently in the greens, before it pounces and reclaims the top spot on the board. And if it doesn’t get it, then it’ll complain about how the dice are rolling against them – even though they rolled the dice in the first place.

Park Lane – Chelsea

Enough with the metaphors and symbolism. This one is almost geographically accurate, so Park Lane is Chelsea. Alright?

Mayfair – Manchester City

Rich, absurdly rich. You put a few expensive hotels on Mayfair and forget about it, other players will be weeping into their pockets. But what is that before Mayfair, lurking menacingly? It’s the mega-rich’s worst enemy, the Super Tax. And although you might think you’re Scrooge McDuck on Mayfair, you’re one step away from being taxed out of your top hat. So watch it, Mr. Moneybags. Or should that be, Sheikh Moneybags?

Train Stations – Liverpool & Everton

They pop up all over the board. Sometimes at the top, sometimes at the bottom. And like actual train stations, they’re never reliable.

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