Newcastle United fans’ Christmas has come early. After years of protests and two relegations for the once famous club, Mike Ashley is finally ready to sell. With the club sitting in ninth and Rafa Benitez at the helm, it’s the perfect time to sell.
Newcastle fans when they see Mike Ashley has put the club up for sale. 🎉 pic.twitter.com/sfRUMpxwPb
— Not Match of the Day (@NOT_MOTD) October 17, 2017
There are plenty of potential buyers for the club but one stands out above the rest. One rumour that we just can’t ignore is beginning to re-emerge – involving none other than WWE chairman Vince McMahon.
It is a rumour that has done its rounds before in 2011 and again in 2014, so don’t hold your breath Newcastle fans. Wouldn’t it be spectacular though, we can’t help but lose ourselves in the fantasy of what might be.
Monday Night Raw comes to us live from the Metro Radio Arena and Vince McMahon addresses the audience. Mr McMahon is interrupted as Sports Direct ads play over the Titantron and Mike Ashley makes his way down to the ring. Ashley lays down the gauntlet to Vince, claiming his football club/sportswear empire is far superior.
Enraged Vince challenges Ashley to a match ‘right in this arena’ to determine once and for all who is the better business mogul. The only stipulation is the loser hands over their sports franchise to the winner. Ever the stubborn blowhard, Ashley accepts the challenge and the two face-off inside the squared-circle.
Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on Ebay?
My little boy wanted a cowboy outfit but I'm 3 mins away from owning Newcastle Utd #poundland
— Jimmy Liddel (@jimmyliddel) October 16, 2017
Vince scores a comfortable pinfall and Ashley must begrudgingly sign over ownership of Newcastle United.
Rafa Benitez is converted to a heel and Paul Heyman is installed as the new manager of Newcastle United. Heyman immediately calls for a press conference where he goes on record to defend his ‘client’ from opposing teams. The ‘Beast from the North East’ are billed to take the Premier League by storm.
Triple H is installed as the new head of scouting, as Newcastle look to address their ‘roster’ in the summer ‘draft’. Newcastle completes the signings of an entirely new starting 11 including Daniel Bryan-Ruiz, Kevin Owens-Hargreaves, Gary ‘Neville’ and Jason Jordan-Henderson. Alan Shearer is also brought out of retirement to feature as a part-time player during the big games.
— WWE UK (@WWEUK) August 9, 2015
The stadium announcers are fired and replaced by Michael Cole and Booker T, to provide insight for the fans at halftime.
Cameras are placed around the training ground and the academy to capture never before seen footage. The behind-the-scenes look at Newcastle life will be available on the upcoming NUFC Network for just £9.99 a month.
Newcastle get off to a bad start as it begins to appear as though Vince McMahon knows nothing about ‘soccer’. The fans quickly turn back to protesting the owners are out of touch with the times.
New Bulgarian signing Dimitar Rusev publicly criticises the Geordie people, claiming fans were much better when he was back at CSKA Sofia. Fans are furious that Roman Pavlyuchenko Reigns continues to play up front as rumours emerge his agent is close friends with the Newcastle board.
By Christmas Newcastle are bottom of the league and the future is starting to look bleak. Paul Heyman appears on Match of the Day threatening to abscond with the team to La Liga if Newcastle aren’t given a shot at the title. This proves an embarrassment for the club and Heyman becomes the latest victim of managerial merry-go-round.
Just when you thought Newcastle Utd couldn't get any more of a joke ……@VinceMcMahon rolls into Toon!
— Johnny Haseldin (@Johnnyh17) February 18, 2014
Kurt Angle is appointed as the new manager, with Rey Mysterio Wilkins appointed as his assistant. Newcastle invests heavily once again in the January transfer window as they look to avoid the drop.
Deadline day reinforcements include Stone Cold Charlie Austin, Chris Jeri-Kolo Toure and David James-Ellsworth. It’s a desperate bunch of signings for the club and fans are already fearing the worst.
New signings fail to improve Newcastle’s form and by the end of March, the writing is already on the wall. Newcastle finish the season bottom of the league.
Amanda Staveley has just walked down the stands at SJP with someone close to Rafa with #nufc links.
— Mark Douglas (@MsiDouglas) October 1, 2017
Following the relegation, the board assess the ratings for his new venture deciding the future does not look promising. Vince makes one last pitch to the FA, to have the Championship rebranded as the XSL or Extreme Soccer League. It’s denied and Vince decides to cut his losses, selling the club to Amanda Staveley before returning to WWE.