Everyone loves Sir David Attenborough. We’re not over-stepping the mark when we say that he is possibly the nation’s most adored icon ever.
Churchill? Pfft. Queenie? Not bothered. James Bond? Old news.
Sir David? Absolute legend.
And so when the veteran naturalist says something, we, as a nation, listen. Quite right too.
What with Blue Planet II recently hitting our screens like a wave – pun intended – of groundbreaking and stunning, refreshing new viewing, Sir David has captured the hearts and minds of Britain yet again. But the fella, it would seem, has interests beyond androgynous fish and surfing dolphins.
It’s an interest we should all turn our attention towards. But we won’t bore you by talking about it ourselves, no, we’ll let the legend himself do the talking. Because, as every doting Brit should, we attended a speech given by Attenborough yesterday as he went about promoting Blue Planet II. Here’s what he had to say.
If David Attenborough told me to drive into a hedge, I probably would and then I’d thank him after for his soothing voice #BluePlanet2
— Betsi Filbey (@BetsiFilbey) October 29, 2017
“Ladies and gentleman, animals and trees, thank you all for coming today, to this [pause] astonishing planet we all share, to witness me, Sir David Attenborough, [dramatic pause] as I soothe you all with my warm, dulcet tones and overwhelming intelligence.”
“But we need a shift in focus, because I’m supposed to be here today to talk with you about Blue Planet. What we really need to be talking about is, however, [pause] a Green Planet.”
Dramatic classical music washed over the crowd and people felt a general sense of inspiration and awe.
Sir David’s cotton blue and slightly over sized shirt flapped triumphantly in the wind.
“Now I’ve been about since the very dawn of time and so I, [chuckles and pauses] know a thing or two. [pauses again] But never before in my life have I witnessed anything else like the sheer beauty; the striking magnitude, of perhaps the planet’s greatest invention.”
“Of course, I’m talking about the simply wonderful Formula E. Or, as is common knowledge, Formulas Ereues if you’re the sort of tool who gives things silly Latin names. [Gently sighing] Absurd.”
On this day in 2015, we began season two on the streets of Beijing! 🇨🇳
— ABB Formula E (@FIAFormulaE) October 24, 2017
In the crowd, a man with corduroy trousers and a Fat Face fleece informed his family that he agreed, and that he already knew that. “It debuted in 2014 in Beijing,” he snorted smugly. Naturally, he’d become an expert at the simple sound of Sir David’s voice. Apparently everyone had.
“The sport, much like myself and the rather impressive documentaries I create, [chuckles] is doing a great thing for our planet. It, quite simply, is turning it green [softer chuckle]. You see, Formula E is the world’s first fully-electric street racing series and it’s the breath of – literally – fresh air that we’ve all been waiting for. [Inhaling deeply] Beautiful.”
But then something caught Sir David’s attention and the man’s eyes jerked up to the sky, burning wild with excitement.
“Hark! A Sparrowhawk – Accipiter Nisus – is flying over head. Look at her go! Nature’s hand crafted, perfectly balanced weapon. Faster and more agile than any man made design, she will surely strike her prey with a talon sharper than a knife and stronger than a diamond.”
At this point an organiser stepped onto the stage to have a quick word with Sir David. ‘No commentary’, was the message.
Blue Planet II, but with WWE commentary instead of David Attenborough pic.twitter.com/Gnp6mCiFi4
— JOE.co.uk (@JOE_co_uk) October 30, 2017
Collecting himself, Attenborough continued.
“For many years now have we been dismantling our great beating heart, Mother Earth. With an unforgiving iron fist, we have shattered her to the very core and at the centre of all this is man kind’s greatest malady: [pause] Formula One.”
Sir David cast his eye over the crowd and, again, classical music roused a sense of determination and pride in all who listened.
“That smiley little chap Lewis Hamilton is to nature what Attila The Hun was to his enemies. But no more! We are rising in an unstoppable green army, driven [pause] by the might of Formula E. Together we can overturn the tyranny of unethical motorsports and lead the way for a better future for our children and grandchildren. [Breathing in] Just mesmerising.”
“So I call upon you, children of this earth, subjects of this world, to do what is right by our planet! Forget the fuel guzzling murderers over on Sky Sports F1 and instead turn your attention to the future. Turn your attention to Formula E.”
“Because I believe in a world where we can enjoy high speed racing and the joys of the dying Dendrobates Leucomelas frog of the Amazon Rainforest simultaneously.”
“So I say we shall fight on nature’s magic and varied beaches, we shall fight in the fields of the Holland Lop rabbit, we shall fight in the streets of the urban mammal, we shall fight in the hills where I have filmed many a documentary; we shall never surrender our Blue and Green Planet.”
“And we will watch Formula E. And we will save the world.”
— ABB Formula E (@FIAFormulaE) October 29, 2017
Symbols clashed, violins sang, horns roared. Sir David stood proudly as everyone imagined him on a windswept cliff, wind in his hair, a helicopter camera panning around him and the dramatic scenery he ruled over.
Behind him, the words ‘Making Of’ flashed up and everyone switched off to go home.
The man in the corduroy trousers told his family that he felt inspired and that the planet was, in fact, way cooler than he realised. “Just how does Sir David do it? I feel so roused, everyone, that we’re gonna make a change. We’re gonna save this planet if it kills us. Come on, it’s the most beautiful thing ever known to man and we have the privilege of living on it. Let’s make a bloody difference.”
He climbed into his Mercedes and threw a can of Coke on the floor, “anyone for a McDonalds?”.