Welcome to the new world of Twitter – you now have a 280-character limit on your tweets. Isn’t that great?
No, it isn’t. Only self-obsessed morons would think that doubling down on the length of tweets is a good idea. Wait a minute, self-obsessed? Morons? Why, that’s half of the Twitter population! Actually, half is probably a conservative estimate.
For the rest of us though, here’s some reasons why we hate 280 character tweets. 140 (go on, count them) reasons to be precise:
- 140 characters were fine.
- You could summarise everything perfectly in 140 characters.
- In fact, the 140 character limit made Twitter more digestible.
- 280-character tweets don’t.
- And 280-character tweets look bad.
- They kill your timeline.
- Go on, look at your timeline now.
- Scroll down.
- It hurts, doesn’t it?
- Stare at the horrible blobs of text.
- They break your brain.
- They look terrible.
When someone tweets a 280 character tweet. pic.twitter.com/iNUSIofQam
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) November 8, 2017
- That’s because 140-character tweets were perfectly formed.
- They were the optimal length.
- If you consider a tweet as a paragraph, then a 140-character limit makes sense.
- A 280-character limit does not.
- It’s not right.
- Someone should at least insert a paragraph break in there.
- Without that, it makes our eyes hurt.
- But it gets worse.
- People think they’re funnier with 280 characters.
- They’re using it to make “jokes”.
- ‘Scroll down through endless negative space’ kind of jokes.
- Complete with a hilarious punchline at the end.
- Something like “Haha, you idiot. You scrolled down for 10 seconds and all you’re getting is a picture of a cat and an emoji.”
- F**k you.
- You’re not funny.
- You’re not clever.
- You’ve just wasted 10 seconds of our life.
- 10 seconds we could’ve used reading other pointless things on Twitter.
- Or looking at pictures of cats.
- Why would you do that?
- 280 character tweets have ruined you.
- You used to be cool.
- You used to be funny.
- But now you’re a 280-character hack.
- Much like Eddie Murphy when he played all the Klumps in any Nutty Professor film.
- How many of those films have there been anyway?
- *checks IMDB
- 2?? It feels like more.
- Hmm. Think we’re getting distracted. Now’s a good time to take a break.
- Right, where were we?
- Ah yes, 280-character tweets.
- They’re stupid.
- Really stupid.
- It’s an unnecessary feature.
- Probably created as a result of board meetings.
- Meetings to decide how to make Twitter more palatble to businesses.
- And big corporations.
- Who want to have more space to sell you things.
- Twitter needs these people on board.
- More so than ever.
- Twitter is losing money.
- It’s not very good at making money.
- And because it’s a free site.
- It needs more ways to make money with ads.
- It’s never going to charge users for the site.
- That won’t work.
- So it brainstorms ideas with higher-ups at big corportions.
- And we bet that someone very powerful proposed a 280-character tweet limit.
- Like the desperate sycophants they are, Twitter agreed.
- “Pay us more money and we’ll do it”, they said.
- “We need the money. We need it so bad”.
- No, money is not what you need.
- You need to sort the site out.
- Stop messing around with new features that most users don’t care about.
- And close down abusive accounts.
- Find hate groups on Twitter and remove them.
- It’s not hard.
- Most users on Twitter can find these groups.
- And they quite often publicly point them out.
- Even @ing Twitter support accounts.
- So, why aren’t you doing more about it?
- Why allow the site to be turned into a playground for bullies and hatred?
- Why are you helping to promote these idiots?
- And don’t cite: freedom of speech.
- Twitter can’t pretend anymore that it’s just a platform for free speech users.
- It’s become a platform for hate speech, not free speech.
- And it doesn’t do enough to combat that. In fact, it’s doing less:
Twitter has verified the organizer of the Charlottesville Unite the Right white supremacist rally https://t.co/v8jAxcKjkj
— Christopher Mathias (@letsgomathias) November 8, 2017
- But don’t worry, we’ve doubled your tweets!
- You can write for even longer now.
- Aren’t you lucky?
- Isn’t Twitter great?
- Tell us in 280 characters or less why Twitter is so great.
- But we can’t anymore.
- It hurts too much.
- Our eyes are bleeding.
- Stop it.
- Stop it.
Finally, the following accounts are also why 280 character tweets are going to suck. Because now, we’re going to hear even more from them:
Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Theresa May, The Queen, The Pope, The Rock*, Piers Morgan, Katie Hopkins, Nigel Farage, James Corden trying to be funny, corporate accounts trying to be funny, Kanye West, Kim Kardashian West, Kourtney Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian, Robert Kardashian, Kardashians on E!, Kris Jenner, Kylie Jenner, Kendall Jenner, Lena Dunham, Brianna Wu, Ian Miles Cheong, Michael Ian Black, Ian Botham Ian, Ian Beale (parody), Mrs Stephen Fry (parody), Elizabeth Windsor (parody), actually 98% of all parody accounts on Twitter, Eric Bistow, Vinnie Jones, Lee Hurst, Gary Lineker, Very British Problems, Louise Mensch, Richard Dawkins, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Giles Coren, Daily Mail, Daily Express, The Sun, Leave EU, any other “official” Brexit related account, Mike Cernovich, Baked Alaska, Richard Spencer, and every single Nazi-loving bigoted scumbag who has an account but Twitter refuses to ban.
*Please don’t beat us up, Dwayne. We only added you here as a joke because your name came prefixed with ‘the’. We love you really.
But also this account: yours.
Yes, we don’t want to hear anymore from your account. Or for that matter, our account either. We’re all just adding to the mass screaming of this hell-site and now Twitter has given us 280-character tweets, we’re only going to get louder and more irritating.
Wait. That’s Only 139 Reasons.
Oh, right. Here’s reason number 140: extra characters means we’ll get endless lists of things now. And lists are awful.