Me, a person with a real job: “What do you do for a living?”
You, a werido: “Model.”
Me: “That’s cool. Who for?”
You: “Whoever needs me, really; I’ve done some really good work with a melon before.”
Stock photos obviously serve some sort of purpose, but what that is, isn’t quite certain – have melons started a dating app? Is Louis Theroux doing a documentary on people who marry pieces of fruit?
What possible purpose could the above picture serve?
Stock photos are unsettling. And even if what they’re trying to demonstrate is obvious, it’s the elaborateness of them, the dramatisation of them.
Boss: “Hey guys, we need someone to do a stock photo of someone hating their boss.”
Employee: “I’ve got the perfect idea.”
— Dark Stock Photos (@darkstockphotos) November 3, 2017
Murder?! Are you sure?! Subtly isn’t a word often associated with stock imagery.
Credit where credit is due, though, if you think of any scenario, involving any number of people or animals, in any weather condition, in any outfit, you can guarantee that somewhere in the depths of the internet, there’s a stock image for your exact purpose – that’s given us a great idea for a game!
Want a werid, fat, hairy, half-naked man, squeezing his nipples whilst wearing a Santa Claus hat? Sorted.
— Dark Stock Photos (@darkstockphotos) July 15, 2017
The fact they’re all topless isn’t even the weirdest thing about this stock photo. But at least the old woman teaching the children how to cut their fingers off is married; we are pleased she found happiness in the dark world of stock photography.
— Dark Stock Photos (@darkstockphotos) October 22, 2017
Don’t you just hate those days where you go to the toilet, and the next thing you know, you’re stuck in the u-bend of the pipes. Must happen at least three times a year.
— Dark Stock Photos (@darkstockphotos) August 7, 2017
Love a good body part-based idiom:
– Don’t cut your nose off to spite your face
– Break a leg
– Cost an arm and a leg
– Don’t talk too much because your eyes will turn into teeth
You know, all the classics…
— Dark Stock Photos (@darkstockphotos) August 1, 2017
The biggest sin that the weird world of stock photography continues to break, though, is bathroom etiquette.
Come on, man…
— Dark Stock Photos (@darkstockphotos) July 31, 2017