There are a wealth of divisive Christmas traditions. Here at The Versed we recently examined one of the most contentious: Whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie. This article looks at the humble sprout. For all, you sprout haters out there here are 10 things you can do rather than eat sprouts this Christmas.
Get a job as a kennel cleaner
Because for most of us people with a pallet we would rather spend our days shovelling up dog faeces than having to taste one of them revolting green bulges in our mouths. They are literally that foul. (pun intended.)
Deal with the Brexit negotiations
Poor Theresa May. Made a scapegoat by her own party she was the only person brave enough to step up and deal with the Brexit negotiations. The general consensus is that Brexit has gone relatively badly. Attempting to sort this out would probably be one of the toughest jobs on the planet. But it’s still better than sprouts.
Being Jose Mourinho’s guidance counsellor
Never one to hide his light under a bushel, Jose it is fair to say will probably be a little upset at the moment. Can you imagine having to listen to him bemoan his sacking? I mean the man could wax lyrical for ten minutes debating a dodgy offside call. Imagine how irate he is going to be over getting the axe! Still beats a Brussel though, right?
Do a drug trial for a new laxative
Sure sprouts are kind of famed for their magical effects on your digestive system anyway. Let’s be honest here, who hasn’t ended a case of the Christmas day farts? However, we would rather a simple, easy to swallow pill caused us immense rectal discomfort then eat one of them imposter baby cabbages.
Start a collection of spores, moulds and fungus
Egon in Ghostbusters did this, didn’t he? And he seemed like a cool guy. Okay, it might not be for everyone but you can start your collection with some leftover sprouts that there is no way you are going to eat.
Dry sprouts out
You know you can get a dehydrator to make dried fruit? Perhaps you could do that on your sprouts. Once they are hardened you could use them to invent a new game, similar to marbles. Or you could throw them at the heads of your enemies. It may hit them in the eye but with any luck, you will land one in their mouth and then they will really suffer.
Go bungee jumping
But with a homemade bungee. You can use whatever materials you want but can we recommend you try and make them durable? It may be fun to see if a bunch of condoms tied together could support your weight. (Here’s a hint, they probably won’t)
We are not even joking here. This is a really good thing to do. Not only that but your blood will not be infected with all that gross sprout crap so will be inherently more valuable to the national health service!
Make a scale model of your ex-boy/girlfriends house
Using only things you find in your next door neighbours rubbish bins. Just in case this sounds like a good idea, once it is finished you have to wrap it up and give it to them as a Christmas present. And the wrapping paper must be recycled from the trash too. Still beats eating sprouts though.
Ones that are innocent too. Because there is no way anybody could consider this a positive and it still beats putting a squidgy, foul tasting sprout in your gob and chewing. Seriously, why do we insist on doing it?