There’s a very definite path from being newly single to being so single that you start feeding your cat three-course meals because they are the closest thing you have to a boyfriend. Want to know how far along the spectrum you are? Follow our handy guide.
Phase 1: The breakup
If things ended on your terms you will probably be ready to go out on the prowl but your conscience will stop you. If you got dumped you’d probably like to get under someone else but will be to busy watching movies with Colin Firth in.
Phase 2: missing what you used to have
Even if it was your decision, there’s a good chance you are going to get to that place where you see a picture of your ex and the rose-tinted glasses drop into place. You’ll get through it. It’s at this point that actually getting laid isn’t the worst idea in the world…as long as they are good! Otherwise, it’ll just make you miss the ex more.
Phase 3: Self-improvement
You are finally alone! You can sign up for that crochet class that you always thought would be cool! You also sign up to a new gym, join a running club and learn how to play backgammon. This is where you start to really grow as a person. This is one of the highlights of the single-cycle.
Phase 4: The spotlight
So you’ve been going the gym regularly and finally squeezed your ass into them skinny jeans that hadn’t really fit since you were about 12. Good for you! You will notice that guys/girls have started to notice you. You are the best version of you.
Phase 5: The putting yourself out there
So the recent attention has made you remember that you used to quite like relationships. As such you start to think about dipping your toe in the dating scene. This is a good time to snag someone as your standards are likely to be pretty high.
Phase 6: That didn’t pan out
So it turned out that the guy/girl of your dreams wasn’t hanging around on Tinder. Who knew? At this point, you will probably delete all of your dating apps. Swear off the opposite sex and possibly contemplate buying a dog because at least dogs are loyal and quite often they have better breath.
Phase 7: You buy a cat
Because dogs may be loyal but cats are independent and that is the animal that represents you best. Although low-key you do sort of want to be in a relationship.
Phase 8: The social media outburst
We post the regrettable social media post talking about how great single life is. Sorry to break it to you. this is fooling nobody. When you post “I’m single and it will take someone amazing to change that. What mankind is reading is “I’m single and I would accept anyone who wants to change that.”
Phase 9: You buy another cat
This is you at your lowest. You end up buying another feline friend at this juncture, because you know that they will never leave you, except one of them does, because cats are disloyal AF. Your social media posts at this point have stopped pretending that you are glad you are single. Instead they “joke” about being upset at the fact you are STILL single.
Phase 10: the stuff it, let’s do me
You finally give up. And not “I’ve given up but the low key I still want to fall in love” This is the, “I’ve applied for that job I always wanted. I’m happy in my routine. I like that I get to do what I want when I want.” This is utopia. You are also about to meet the love of your life and screw it all up and so the cycle continues!