Think You Know Your Poop? Think Again!

For those of you who were cursed with a stomach condition, you may be familiar with the Bristol stool chart. The chart details the different “types” of stool and helps doctors to ascertain if there is anything wrong with your digestion. For those of you interested in actual science the chart is below.

However many of you will know there are far more than these seven types. So for you poop connoisseurs and those who like to check the bowl when they are done here the different types of poo.

The Titanic

You have heard of the unsinkable ship. Well, the titanic poo is the unflushable shi… sorry. You know that feeling when you pull the flush, check the bowl and there is your waste staring back at you? That right there is a Titanic.

The Houdini

You have squeezed one out and it felt really satisfying. You wipe and then check the bowl (I’m not judging we all do it). However, there is nothing there. I can only theorise that it came out with so much force that it shot around the S-bend, but nobody really knows where these go.

Cannonballs/rabbit poop.

These quite often take a while to force out. They plop into the bowl and often produce splashbacks. Who doesn’t love a splashback?

Mr Whippy

I’m so sorry if this puts you off of ice cream. That is not our intention. This is usually the result of having a curry recently. It will be soft and gather nicely on the corner of your bowl. You will probably need to use the toilet brush after a Mr Whippy.

The Floater

Okay, you will all be familiar with this “bad boy”. Your turds are not made of wood and should sink to the bottom in the proper manner. If you have a buoyant bowel movement it is actually a sign that you have been possessed by the devil. Call a priest immediately!

The Clean exit

This is a rare treat. Having spent a relatively good amount of time on the pot and produced an impressive amount you obviously need to wipe. You wipe thoroughly because your mother raised you right. But to your surprise, there is no wipe necessary. Personally, when I perform a clean-exit I bemoan the fact I have wasted toilet roll, but that’s just me.

The Messy exit

This fella will come out with a consistency similar to hot tar. I hope you have a second roll handy. You will use copious amounts of toilet roll and in the end grow tired of wiping and follow up your toilet stop with a very grim shower. Fortunately, these are uncommon.


The Elvis

This is the one that helps men understand what childbirth may feel like. Your butthole has to expand to four times its usual size to get this little guy out of your system . you’d be forgiven for yelling “get me some drugs” while you squeeze and strain to eject this from your body. After one of these, feel free to take a day off work. You earned it.

The Ring Of Fire

You could sing Johnny Cash while producing one of these, but the tears mean you won’t do it justice. This is the result of eating Habanero peppers or a Vindaloo the night before. It may help to sit with your butt in the fridge following one of these.

The Michelangelo

No, I am not going to make a joke about squeezing out a turtle head. That would be utterly disgusting! He painted the Sistine Chapel, covered the ceiling in fact. When you paint the porcelain – that’s a Michelangelo! Most common if you are drinking lots of green tea, or you have eaten undercooked chicken.

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