Things We Would Prefer To Robert Pattinson Playing Batman

With the news that Ben Affleck is no longer going to be playing Batman the internet is rife with a discussion with who will. Affleck was an unpopular choice to play the caped crusader, but then DC was always going to find it difficult to replace Christian Bale. An interesting name has come up as a contender to play The Dark Knight, Twilight star Robert Pattinson. However, not everyone is on board with the idea of the brooding actor playing this iconic role. Here are some things we would rather happen than see R-Patz as Batman.

A coalition run by Nigel Farage and David Cameron

We need to make the UK great again. Yeah, it would be cool to have a brit playing Batman, but wouldn’t it be even better to have these two obvious patriots running our grand country? Think of how strong the pound will be with these two stoic, brave and valued men running the economy. They should hire Tony Blair as a war advisor too.

Nescafe unveil new coffee flavour

Nescafe may be one of Britain’s most-loved coffee brands but they need to branch out. After all, you think Bruce Wayne gets by without a cup of joe in the morning. In the spirit of introducing new flavours, we would like to see a marmite flavour. Sure people will either love it or hate it, but variety is the spice of life!

Twilight to get a reboot

With Christian Bale as Edward Cullen. Well, it only seems fair. If R-Patz can take on Bale’s most iconic role surely the same should be allowed in reverse. I think they may struggle to find a new Bella though. It turns out most actors are cursed with more than one facial expression.

The return of O-levels

Nobody even remembers what these are, but our parents sure used to love them. What did they replace? NVQ’s? A-levels? Nobody really knows, and unfortunately, evidence that they even existed in the first place is scarce because all the certificates were painted on papyrus paper with the blood of sacrificed frogs.

Jamie Oliver to impose Fast Food laws

Given the wonderful job, he did on transforming school meals into the bland, unseasoned bilge. Which seems slightly hypocritical since his every meal contains at least half a bottle of Olive oil. Jamie should be given the chance to work his magic on the likes of McDonalds and KFC. Gone will be crispy fries replaced with unseasoned mashed, sweet potato. No longer will chicken by fried with the skin on, instead it will be baked, skinless having being rubbed in quinoa.

Piers Morgan to buy out Samaritans

The company are rumoured to be floating on the stock market. In a dream scenario, Morgan would buy a controlling stake. Think how much better the UK would be if all its “snowflakes” were given the ever-stellar advice, from the always-compassionate Morgan.

The Ultimate birthday gift

Gift companies already offer lovely keepsakes such as plaster casts of your kid’s first footprint and lockets to keep a lock of their hair in. but those things are so 2018. In 2019 get the ultimate gift. A DVD recording of when your child was conceived. They will cherish the magic moment forever. I mean wouldn’t you?

Nokia to design black boxes on aeroplanes

Actually, this is a really good idea. If you want something protected then Nokia is the company to design it!

No offence to R-Patz who was amazing as Cedric Diggory but you’re just not meant to be Batman. It’s not personal, geeks everywhere love Matt Smith but we wouldn’t him to don the cowl either. I think we would rather see George Clooney back – and that’s saying something.

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