How Not To Give Your Cat Tablets

Cats are cute, right? I mean they are pretty much the reason the internet exists. If you took away all the “cute cat” pics off the World Wide Web there would be virtually nothing left. Probably just a website called “bringbackthecats.com”.

That being said, like most animals a cat can get poorly and when they do the responsibility lies on us, their erstwhile owners, to medicate their poor fluffy souls. If you are unfortunate enough to find yourself in that position this handy guide might help you.

the pacification

Cats do not like human beings. This is the first rule and one you need to understand. In fact cats don’t like any animal or anything that interferes with their, as yet unknown, cat agenda. With this in mind it’s usually a good idea to make the cat feel special before “ruining his/her life”. Don’t go over the top. Serving them up a live mice as a sacrifice to their godlike selves will usually suffice. If your pet is particularly problematic you may need to buy them a new gold encrusted bed. They won’t lie in it, but may use it to take a giant steaming poo. Sorry it’s just what they do.

The preparation

This is where things may get a little “dicey”. You will need at least 5 people and a professional chef in order to successfully navigate this tricky part of the process. Some amateur pet owners (or as cats refer to them “scum”) may tell you to just rap the tablets in Ham. Do not attempt this. Firstly, Ham is for peasants, cats demand the finest food, and secondly they do not want their sirloin steak tarnished with bitter tasting tablets.

It is for this reason that a professional chef is required. When your chef is finished (we recommend Ramsey, but Oliver will do in a pinch) attempt to feed the cat the food in which their tablet has been cunningly hidden. After the inevitable rejection remove any faecal matter produced as an act of retribution and throw away the broken remains of that antique vase. Unfortunately you are about to play hard ball.

Tough love

Under no circumstances skip straight to this step. Ultimately if you do, they will make you pay. Hire four sets of Kevlar vests and enlist four people to secure the cats four limbs. Do not use valuable friends, in fact we recommend people you actively loathe. Once the cat is secured the final person must attempt to prise open the cats mouth and insert the tablet. This person really should don a full set of medieval chain mail but we realise that can be hard to come by. We apologise in advance for the loss of several of your fingers.

Recovery

Once the procedure has been carried out leave approximately one hour and retrieve the pill from your cats food bowl. Use catnip to lure your feline into the open and repeat the process. This time enlist a sixth person to hold the cats nose so it swallows and have a priest handy in case anybody needs their last rites reading. Many people also use the priest to attempt an exorcism on their pet. Unfortunately they are not possessed, that’s just how cats are.

The cycle

Obviously this process can be quite expensive and the course of medication may be a lengthy one. If you can afford to continue until the cat is better than great, if not and you can finance it by selling one of your children this is a viable option. If not move on to the final phase.

The aftermath

Take your cat to an animal sanctuary and get a dog instead. Then move house because it knows where you live and it has a certain set of skills that make life hell for people like you.

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