When I was a young lad I was relatively well behaved. I like to think it’s part of the reason I am a half decent adult. However, the reason I was well behaved is the effort put in by my mother. So, as a result, I have heard nearly every parenting cliché under the sun and now as an adult, I have used most of them myself. Here are some of the best.
You’ll eat what you’re given. What do you think this is a cafeteria?
Because parents hate fussy kids. There are plenty of ways parents react to their kids not eating though.
Were you born in a barn? Put the wood in the hole
Heaven forbid you to leave a door open, am I right?
You are this close to getting a leathering
For those not familiar with the term, a leathering means a beating…with a belt or shoe!
You don’t want to let them get to one!
If you say that again I’ll wash your mouth out
This was usually a hollow threat. Although I have seen parents insert a soap bar into their kid’s mouths. Yum.
Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about
So many of these quotes threaten violence against young people. It would never fly in this day and age.
If you had brains you’d be dangerous
I’m not even sure what this one meant. But I heard it a lot!
Do you think I’m made of money?
Usually when you ask them for 10p for a Freddo.
Turn the light off, it’s like Blackpool illuminations in here
As someone who has been to Blackpool when the illuminations were on I can confirm they had more than one light bulb.
Because I said so
Well, you can’t expect a parent to justify all their decisions.
Do I look like I was born yesterday?
Never answer yes to this, not if you value your life!
Eat what you’re given or go without
There are so many left off the list in the “eat your damn dinner” genre.
If (insert name) jumped off a bridge, would you?
Because parents have a special way of warning their kids of the perils of peer pressure.
In response to what’s for dinner – ifits
As in “if it’s there you can have it if it isn’t you can’t.” You can’t fault the comedy stylings of the previous generation, can you?
Eat what you’re given
Usually uttered while you were being served something that would wrack up 200k comments on rate my plate. Seriously, school dinners got a bad name, but some of my childhood meals, yuck.
Take your coat off or you won’t feel the benefit
I still do this now! There’s nothing worse than not feeling the benefit.
Do as I say not as I do
Basically, parents stock line when they have acted like a total buffoon and quickly realise that they don’t want their kids to grow up to be criminals, or worse, Millwall fans.
There are people in Ethiopia dying of hunger
This was my mum’s standard retort when my siblings and I complained about Somerfield’s own branded cornflakes. If you had tried them you would get it.
You will drive me to drink
Drinking and driving is a bad combination in any context.
stop waving that around or you’ll put someone’s eye out
Most children have a propensity for picking up large pointy objects and waving them around. Be it brooms or large sticks. However, I have never seen one take an eye out.
if you break your leg, don’t come running to me
I mean how would they? I have also heard: If you die don’t come crying to me. Proof that parents get irony!