What Would Pacman Think Of eSports?

Pacman is just about as iconic as video game characters come. About the only ones that come anywhere close to his levels of recognisability are Sonic and Mario. But not a lot is known about this dot eating dude. Of course, there are rumours. Some say that he is a school janitor, patrolling corridors clearing up white dots (presumably waste paper) but that is pure conjecture. So in the spirit of postulating (get it, spirit…you know because he is chased by ghosts.) We are going to imagine if Pacman was personified. Here are some pages from his diary where he gives his views on eSports.

Diary of a frustrated yellow dude

What the hell is a Dota? Is that even a word? It just sounds like noise but everyone goes on about it like it’s the best thing since sliced bread. Personally, I think sliced bread is overrated. Give me a juicy set of cherries any day. So I give this game a try, I mean of course I was going to, have you seen the prize money. I mean it involves lanes, which I guess are a bit like corridors in a maze. But there were absolutely zero dots to collect. none. Still a blob has needs and fresh fruit isn’t cheap.

Day 2

So it transpires there is more than one tournament with cash on the line. Today I discovered what the kids are calling Fortnite. Pro-tip if you don’t have hands you are probably going to suck at Fortnite. In fact, its gonna take a lot more than two stinking weeks to get any good at it. Still, I learned two new dances, the floss and the dab, both of which are impossible with no hands. Man do I wish I was the post 90’s Pacman. The prize money for this contest is insane but I keep getting my ass handed to me by these dudes named Ninja and Tfue.

Day 3

Today I thought I’d give something called League of Legends a bash. If you like Dota, which I don’t, you will probably think LOL sucks. It is basically a B-tech Dota. If you hated Dota, you will probably think this sucks too. For the record, to make it clear, I hate this game. What’s a guy got to do to get a game where you just eat a power-up and turn on the undead. Okay, you could make the argument that it was a metaphor for drug abuse, but it was the 60’s, we were all high.

Day 4

Today I did something I never thought I’d do. I subscribed to the EA game pass. As a consequence, I have played just about every sports sim you could care to mention. Having smashed through games in Fifa 17, 18 and 19 I can confirm with great certainty that they are all, in fact, the exact same game. I noticed this pattern with the Madden and NBA games as well. At least the menu music changes I suppose.

Day 5

I took today to reflect on my game playing adventures. They certainly are not like they were when I was young. Back then you simply had millipedes coming to destroy your base. These days there are all sorts of bad guys and they all act in different ways. Back then it was simpler times. We had tournaments of course. sure we did. But the prizes were stuff like a Burger King voucher. These days kids are making a fortune before they’re barely finished suckling. They deserve it too with the reactions they have. Although I’ve enjoyed the ride I think I’m just gonna stick to dots. You know where you are with a dot.

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