Who’s Going to Win the Champions League?

Ethan Tait

It was the night before the Champions League and all through Europe, all the teams were preparing for Tuesday and Wednesday kickoffs in hopes of advancing.

The fans were making the tifos with care with hopes that a Champions League trophy will be there.

My favorite time of the year is here and I couldn’t be more excited to have even more excuses not to do anything during the week. More football and less time for the missus equates to fewer opportunities to get into trouble.

Cheers, Champions League. You’re a true homie.

At this point in the season, I sure as hell don’t know what’s actually going to happen, who’s going to get injured, and what managers are going to get sacked. Making any sort of prediction would be pretty uneducated and hopeful on my part.

Lucky for you, I’m always right. Pay attention, I might win you some money.

With the Champions League being weird as fuck with rules about how teams are drawn, I will only predict the group winners and group runner-ups. Only FIFA knows what teams are playing against each other because FIFA is corrupt and loves playing God.

Group A: Arsenal, PSG, FC Basel, Ludogrets

Arsenal’s starts hot, loses to Ludogrets away and then ends up as runner-up in the group. Unai Emery finds a way to get PSG firing.

Advancing: PSG, Arsenal

Group B: Napoli, Benfica, Dynamo Kiev, Besiktas

Napoli isn’t the same without el gordito, Gonzalo Higuain. Benfica will produce their usual class even without Renato Sanches. Besiktas set to surprise with inconsistent Ricardo Quaresma leading the side. No one cares about Kiev.

Advancing: Benfica, Besiktas


Group C: Celtic, Manchester City, Borussia Mönchengladbach, FC Barcelona

Brendan Rodgers is no giant slayer. Borussia can’t do it without Granit Xhaka. FC Barcelona will be too damn good for Pep to beat.

Advancing: FC Barcelona, Manchester City

Group D: Atlético Madrid, PSV Eindhoven, Bayern Munich, FC Rostov

Where the fuck is Rostov? PSV can’t compete with top competition. Carlo Ancelotti will best Diego Simeone once again.

Advancing: Bayern Munich, Atlético Madrid

Group E: Shit Tottenham Hotspur, Bayer Leverkusen, Monaco, CSKA Moscow

Monaco will continue their hot Ligue 1 form. Tottenham are still shit and will shit themselves in the group stage. Chicharito is set to ball out after his hand injury. Moscow doesn’t stand a chance.

Advancing: Bayer Leverkusen, Monaco

Group F: Legia Warsaw, Borussia Dortmund, Real Madrid, Sporting CP

Real Madrid will continue to fucking conquer. Aubameyang will shine for Dortmund and then get sold to Madrid. I can’t name a player on Warsaw. Sporting still trying to recover from losing Ronaldo.

Advancing: Real Madrid, Borussia Dortmund

Group G: FC Copenhagen, Leicester City, Club Brugge, FC Porto

Leicester City will enjoy a success baptism into European football. Copenhagen should have signed Nicklas Bendtner. Club Brugge hasn’t done anything in Europe since ‘Nam. The Mexican contingent of Porto is set to ball out.

Advancing: FC Porto, Leicester City


Group H: Dinamo Zagreb, Juventus, Sevilla, Lyon

Juventus won’t suffer one bit from loss of Pogba with Higuain on fire. Zagreb will steal a single point. Sevilla to suffer without Kevin Gameiro and Unai Emery. Lyon will be carried by the left boot of Alexandre Lacazette.

Advancing: Juventus, Lyon

Stay tuned in 4 months time when I discover if the soccer gods were working in my favor in my predictions.

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